this sucks so much,
why did you do this to me?
you tell me i can trust you :(
and i really didnt want people to know this.

fuck it

i want an explantion. im sick of being ignored, laughed at, looked at like im a monster. people think im just selfish, and this kinda is, but it just bugs me that i cant find anything i did that was bad enough to deserve this. YOU GUYS WOULDNT EVEN WALK WITH YOUR FRIENDS BECAUSE OF ME. you know what fuck this. i did nothing, i tried so hard to be so good to yous, i changed my whole life to try and work things out with you guys, but now look at things.

especially you, you are embarassed of me! WTF, you are the most pathetic peice of crap i ever met, you wont even talk to people if im there. i hate you for how you treat me, tell me what i did to you? you used me, thats about all i can think that fucked things up. you fucken loser, and now you're ruining your friendship with someone else for no reason. you have changed so much. AHHH!

i feel like shit. because of yous. everyday is shit cos im not even allowed to talk to yous. FUCK IT.

aimed at so many people.

you're one of the nicest people i've ever met,
except you're just never nice to me.

i want you.

this is insane. i miss you so much, you were there for me when i needed you and now your not and i dont know what to do. i hardly even got to spend that much time with you yet i still seem to notice you're not there or dont text me. *sigh* what the hell is wrong with me... i dont like him... do i?!

LOL.
we used to have

good times!
he's got a crusaders

towl round his shoulders,
and i've got my

hurricanes sign.

I MISS THIS!

FACT: If you didn't care you wouldn't be thinking about it.

ladies ;)

why do people find it so easy to forget me?

as i read your words they swirl round in my head, making my heart feel cold.
is this true? do you know me better than i know myself?
if so i dont deserve anyone or anything,
im a monster.

I hate this blog.

oh man

i just keep replaying in my head.
i dont know what im going to do.
cos i can just see how it's going to unfold.

missing you

i like this photo, pity there might never be another of us . god i miss him. so much, :\

:\

I text you, you text back. But then once you found a way out you said you 'had' to go. God I want you, I miss you. That short time, I actually felt like maybe you cared.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Uq3nI11w4g
i swear i cant stop crying, when the dads like
'whats it like'
and the littles boys like
'theres no more goodbyes'

:( sad.

realised.

and i love you.

whether it's wrong or right.

i miss you, so so so much.

:/

i hate this feeling, knowing that you wouldn't care if i died, infact you would care, you'd be happy.

It's you. You mean everything to me.
You are the first thought in my head in the morning
when I wake up. My last thought before I go to bed.
You smile at me in my dreams.
When you are sad, I feel sad and when I see your
true smile, I feel incredible; like there is no other
thing around and all i can see is you.
You are my somewheres over the rainbow.

that first kiss...
the whole 'OMG IM ACTAULLY KISSING HIM' feeling running through your whole body. nothing could be more amazing, being so intertwined with one single person, all you can see is each other. and for that moment, nothing is wrong in the world...

you make everything worthwhile. hearing your voice makes the world sound peaceful. seeing your smile makes everything look sunny. being in your presence makes everything feel right. sometimes it's best to forget someone, but if they weren't important, we would have already forgot them. sometimes it's worth the pain and the fight. it's like sitting through a storm, being so miserable, then suddenly the rain stops and you see a rainbow and then rays of sun start to come through the dark stormy clouds. sometimes there is a happy ending. sometimes giving up isn't the right option.

the best things in life, they never come without a fight.

sigh

'they just talk about how annoying and ugly you are'
'and how your so clingy'

sometimes forgetting is what you want to do, yet when i seem to want to do it, the people always force their way back into my life, making it hell. yet when i want someone to stay, they want to leave as fast as possible. nobody wins.

since we met

"but then all of a sudden my phone goes off 'where are you xD'. he thinks by using a smiley face that everything is ok, when really it wasnt, it hasnt been since the moment we met..."

I wonder.

Do you find it easy? Was it easy to just forget me? Do you ever think of me? Do you ever miss me? Do you wish things were different? Are you able to walk past me and just feel nothing at all? I just wish i knew what you really thought. If your friends didn't give you so much shit, if I didn't be such a weirdo, if you hadn't have left,

would everything be different?

Wow.

My names Jessica but everyone calls me Jess. I’m 17. I’ve lost all interest in school. I have the wrong priorities in life. I fall for guys too easily and tend to creep them out. I’m a virgin and I’m pretty embarrassed about it. I care about ‘those boys’ far too much. I live with my dad but I miss my mum loads. I’m extremely close with my brother and we have been since we were babies. People tell me I’m insanely nice and I can sometimes be a pushover. Even so I get angry at some people pretty easily, and when you put me in a corner i will fight back. Also I’m very apologetic, people find it hard to forgive me because I always find myself saying sorry, so it kinda loses it’s meaning. I blame that on my childhood. I lived in a house where my parents were both physically and verbally abusive towards each other. My dads family argue quite a lot and my mums family have communication problems. I’m overweight a little and I can’t go out in public without foundation on as I’m so self-conscious about my skin. I’m quite was too much time on the computer, doing worthless things like Bebo. I always catch the bus because i don’t have a car or my licence (but I will get it really soon). I work as a waitress in a Turkish restaurant earning minimum wage which I usually fritter away. If i care about someone I often can remember there cell phone number and that came come across a little but weird. I feel like I’m getting to know someone when i know their middle name and birthday. I play hockey and our team are like sisters. I also play tennis and everyone at our club is like a big family. I lock text messages to remind me of horrible things people say to me. I have been crushing on my current crush for almost 10 months now, yet we’ve never had a stable relationship, only a drunken hook up. I have a crazy obsession with photos, I take my camera almost everywhere because I figure it’s important to capture the memories we have as they are going to be some of the best times of our lives. I’m always tired and I hardly ever get headaches. I love my home town, it’s where I’d love to raise my kids when I grow up. I don’t like wearing socks to bed unless it’s really cold and I always wear my signit ring I got from my mum for my 16th birthday. I like to drink, a lot of people are against it but I just love going out to a party with my mates. When I say I love someone, I do mean it, and I love a lot of people in heaps of different ways. I like hugs and kisses are just amazing when you are so intertwined with someone. I laugh at almost anything, I think a sense of humour is vital in today’s society, because there’s nothing better than a good giggle. I love music so much and people often are amazed at how I know all the words to such a vast, wide range of songs. I believe in ghosts and I think the ghost house up Mangoroa Hill is one of the coolest places on earthe. I don’t like to read books yet I love buying cosmo and dolly and reading all the sex stuff. I think Barack Obama will be a good president, and I also think Ribena Sprite and Vodka would make the best drink ever. My favourite classes at school are food and P.E and funny that those two teachers are the ones that like me. I don’t have any idea what I want to do when i finish school. I love Memphis meltdown rapberry chocolate ice cream, but it is only ever eaten at my aunties, like tradition. I have a favourite cup I always drink out of and I also have a favourite pen from smiggle. I have a pretty boring life, but all in all I like it. :)

So...

I wish I could find the words that I want to say about you.
I'm so mad at you.
Yet if you needed me, I just know I would come running.
It's like you have this power over me.
Complete control.
And that's not good.

Anyway today ended up being a good day. I didn't go to school, and I watched Wild Child on ppv. It was good! Also I saw you're name come up on my msn what's new. Yes! You unblocked me. This time I won't screw up, I promise. I had mac and cheese for lunch too that was also a high point to the day. And also I kinda felt a bit sick even though I wasn't, so I don't feel as guilty. Oh well school tomorrow. Now I'm scared.

oh man.

i am a shit shit friend,
i never know what to say :/
and god i feel bad.

It was the right thing to do...

I'm scared to go to school.
I had to lie through my teeth to both of my parents today saying i was 'sick.'

Truth is none of this should have happened. I would have loved to have you guys over, but when my brother threatens to leave I can't just turn on him. Maybe if Michael wasn't aware of all the horrible things you had done to me, he wouldn't have minded you being there. If only he didn't know that you were completely using me because you couldn't find anywhere else to drink. You have had me blocked on msn for ages, you ignore me at school, you bitch about me behind my back all the time, you threaten me, you are afraid of me. Basically you treat me like shit, and quite frankly you don't deserve anything from me and I kicked you out because my brother is aware of that, and he doesn't want to see me hurt.

So to you three I'm really sorry, you guys were welcome to stay.
To you two fuck you's. I dislike you both with a passion.
And Michael, thank you.

it's funny how day by day nothing changes,
but when you look back everything is different.

I'm okay.

Do you know how seriously fucked up this is? It's so fucked up that I can't even find the words. You've got me completely speechless, I can't even see right from wrong anymore.

You tore me down, yet you are one of the things that keeps me up. Everyone knows what I need to do, hell even I know what i need to do. I just need to forget you and move on. But something draws me to you, and I just don't know what to do, it's got to the stage where i am completely lost.

Whenever I see you it's like I can't breath and no one else is around but us. I loose my train of thought whenever you walk by, and I often find myself saying to my friends, ohhh what was i saying.

I know this is so crazy, but I like to like you, even though i know you don't like me. For now I'm fine, and despite what I need to do, I think I'll just stick around for a little while longer...