:(

well i never thought id be back to this....

i would give it all to not be sleeping alone

and in the lime light, i play it all fine. but i cant handle it when i turn off my night light..

see what i did there

i know it's wrong but it feels so damn wright ;)

:'(

i just sat there, there was nothing else i could do. surrounded by some of the people i thought knew me the best, i felt like a complete stranger. so i drank, even though i had to be up in four hours, i kept drinking. i smiled and laughed just to keep the lie going, just so everyone thought i was ok. maybe i was a stranger now, cos i was certainly fooling the people closest to me, in fact i was even fooling myself a little. now i sit here all by myself and it sorta sets in you know, i have so many unanswered questions that will stay rhetorical without me even intending them to be that way. i guess all it comes down to is im sorta ready to stop this silly little act now, id like my life back, no wait, i want me back.

life really confuses the hell out of me

sometimes i wonder how i got to where i am today. you know one day i was a tiny little baby, i didnt know shit, all my decisions were made for me and i didnt know any better. as i gradually got older my responsibilities grew and i started to make choices for myself, every single day, big and small. it really makes me think, every tiny little decision i make really does effect just how everything else is going to be. at the time it seems like nothing but if you think about it, if i had made one small tiny decision differently, it could be anything, like to go out for a walk, to eat a biscuit who the fuck knows, but if i had made one decision differently, would it change everything in my life? if i had decided to go to sleep an hour ago like i should have, would something have happened to me tomorrow that isnt going to now? or maybe now something else is going to happen because i am still up?

sometimes i worry that things are never going to be okay again. im really tired of feeling like this :( i dont know what to do anymore

so take a chance and don't ever look back x

I think I understand. I think the reason you "like" me so much, the reason you miss me and want me around you is because I put up with you. I put up with what others don't. It all makes sense to me now. You push me down and do mean things and I still stick around because face it, I love you. I push all those things aside and still want to be with you while others may get pissed off and that's why you like me. I just don't understand why that's not enough for us to be together. Can't you see how much I'd do for you?

170 days! i did it!

looking into your eyes. we're fucking back baby xo

I realized something. I need you, I trust you, I admire you, I want
you. And you can be wrong a lot of the time, and we can fight and
get mad at each other, but nothing, nothing in this world can change
the fact that I love you.

you could spend minutes, hours, day, weeks or even months over–analyzing the situation trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could’ve, would’ve happened or- you could leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on

oh you. x

i like it when your friends say we're alike :) or they say im your 'person'

if you had facebook and liked my status... this is what i would say

I like you. I like every single thing about you. I like how you still want to be my friend after everything I have put you though, everything we have gone through together. I like how we are so alike; we get each other on a level that others can’t quite understand. I like your smile, it’s so cute but cheeky at the same time. I like how you look into my eyes, you’re the only person in the world I’m not afraid to keep eye contact with; your eyes are warm and make me feel safe. I like how you never judged me, everything you know about me you respect that and keep it to yourself. I like how I love you, with every single inch of my heart. In the future that loves going to fade, but you know I always will love you in a way, because you are you, and you are one of my favourite people in the world and that’s never ever going to change...

I STILL LOVE YOU

It's like we're more than just friends, but still less than lovers. You're oh so tough, but I want to be your first weakness. Here we go again with mixed signals and second thoughts.

love

And I let him kiss me that night with the stars gazing down on us, and the cold wind brushing our faces. I let the rain soak in my clothes and hair because he was all I wanted.

your love is my drug

what you got boy is hard to find, i think about it all time. i'm all strung out, my heart it fried.

i just can't get you off my mind!

post 100

you prescribe me to get the fuck out of your life, never talk to you again. i take it all in and swallow the pills down, each one creating an erasable lump in my throat. then you call me up, claiming your diagnoses was wrong, that you were sorry, that you wanted friendship. but i've already taken the first dosage of pills. it's all over now.

woaaah

HOLY FUCKEN SHIT THINGS HAVE CHANGED...!

:)

im so happy, i dont even feel the need to blog :)
not that i only write sad blogs, but now i actually have a life!

:(

THANKS ALOT!

i was happy before. -.-

THERE WAS NOTHING WRONG WITH THE WAY MICHAEL JACKSON LOOKED TO START WITH!

makes me miss old days!

so me telling you not to talk to me suddenly makes you want us to be friends again? that was so weird you talking to me, kinda good but weird. makes me think of the times when we text, hung out, talked on msn so frequently hmm... we're gunna get wasted though ;D

2009

im extremely happy where my life is :) been living it up, and not letting any silly sickness ruin things! shars was amazing. ive decided i love the class of 09. 09. 09. everyone else is too much shit. haha.

grr

do you think you're older than me? because you aren't, you seem to think you know everything to do in my life. you act like you've been through it all, well frankly you havent and you are not my parent so stop treating me like a little baby cos it's annoying specially when you dont know anything about whats going down. you broke my trust one to many times. everyone is right all of you are too immature so just leave it out.

i think im broken again.. :S

dont think ive ever hated someone as much as i hate you.

lifes confusing

the music was loud, the buzz of people talking was deafening, ofcourse thats what youd expect at a party. i dont know what or how it happened but all of a sudden we were talking. all of a sudden our eyes met and everyone knows what comes next...

i regreted that for so long.
now it's one of the best things that ever happened to me...

schools gay

im over school, im so ready to leave.
i love spending time with all my mates and im so looking forward to OPC and the ball but theres hardly any reason for me to be there, ive got no credits and ive done nothing all year.
tbh i dont even care either! haha.

yay

shit was shitty before but i had a mean weekend!
got drunk both nights and talked to people i havent talked to in ages.
yay lets hope it's a good week at school too xD

okay this is fucked lol

this photo holds something that could probably ruin someone thanks to his mates.. it looks so on purpose but i can assure you it wasnt.

mean day. feels good to have a good one after the shit that has gone on! :D

today will be a good day! ;D

i wish that i still knew you like i used to in the old days. we had some pretty funny times, all of us did, even if you try to deny that i know deep down you know it's true. its hard to know how you feel about me, im probably the person you hate the most in the whole world. i cant even pin point why we arent friends anymore and i really wish i could so maybe i wouldnt feel so lost and confused. maybe one day things will be okay, one day ill just wake up and everything will be normal. if only.

holy shit im stressed out :(

written about me

'I'm so sick of what you do. This whole routine of 'feel sorry for me' is really getting old. You take everything so seriously and it's really getting on my nerves. I'm sick of never being allowed to say what I think. You make me walk across a mind field and watch me be careful and not step on the explosives hiding beneath. I hate it. Stop being so sensitive, it's really starting to bother me. I hate it how you joke about things straight after we've just fought over it. It's like joking at a funeral about how they died. Too soon man too soon. Stop demanding to hear what you know you don't want to hear. If the small things hurt you, you'll never be strong enough to take the real stuff. I hate how you take things personal and start saying everything is your fault. That really bothers me. You're an insanely nice person but you really do annoy me with how sensitive you are. That's you, but it's not me. I'm a straight up person and if you can't handle what I think then I don't know. Don't say we don't have a good friendship just because I'm trying not to hurt you with my harsh words. I'm sick of being the one always in the wrong with you.'

true...

im so lovesick.

yeah, sure we had a good run.

help, please.

i cant escape the pain. it's at home, it's at school. it follows me round like a dark rain cloud. i try so hard to just tell myself what is happening to me is just life, but now im starting to think otherwise. on the brink of tears i am constantly searching for something to make things feel atleast a little bit better, but now even one of the only things keeping me sane is gone. i feel so dirty and used thanks to you, but you dont even have anything to say. at home, even the tone in your voice scares me now. it's like walking on a minefeild, one wrong step and ill be dead (almost literally). i need a break from things, im going insane.

:\

im back to that stage where i cant even find the words anymore. im sick of being bullied by you, every single day of my life. how could things be good and change to such crap in less than an hour.

fuck im pissed off.

yay kathryn! :D

Who do you sit next to in your english class? i dont do english lol and in journo normally it'd be kelly but it changes.
Have you ever fallen asleep while texting someone? many times lol.
What color shirt are you wearing? white, yeah im cool still in my uniform.
Who was the first person you talked to today? dad.
What is the last movie you watched? the end of ice age after i got my injection haha.
How do you feel right now? good thank you!
Who is the last guy you talked to? ahh the bus driver? haha.
What are you listening to? lucky by jason mraz and colbie caillat :)
Do you miss the way things used to be? hmm not overly, at times i do.
Do you regret something you did today? in a sense, yes.
If you were in the hospital would your number 1 come visit you? she sure would!
Will this Sunday be a good one? probably will be a lazy hungover day hopefully lol. if rowen has drinks and i can get a fakey!
When will your next kiss be? who knows, soon probably lol.
Do you think it's wrong to have sex before marriage? nope.
What are your plans for tonight? MEXICAN FOR TEA. yeeeah boy.
Who was your last text from? supriya.
What phone do you have? a sanyo one.
Did you hug or kiss anyone in the past 24 hours? hmm not that i can remember.
Who last called you beautiful? i dont think anyone has really. but i dont mind.
Do you think you've changed over the past year? to the maximum. im not a physco anymore lol.
Honestly, has anyone seen you in your underwear in the past 3 months? yes lol. great times ;)
Do you still talk to the person you fell the hardest for? not really. we dont go to the same school or anything.
Who's thinking about you right now? and how am i meant to know that?
Last person you talked on the phone with? michael i think.
Are you keeping a secret right now? everyone has lots of secrets.
What do you currently hear at the moment? where do you go by no mercy lol such an old song, thanks sup and em :D
Are you easily scared by horror movies? hardout, but i still love them.
Does someone like you right now? not that i know of.
Are you friends with any of your ex boyfriend/​​​​​girlfriends?​​​​​ sorta lol.
If the year consisted of only one season, which would you choose? summer!
What was your worst mistake in your life? :\ parts of 2008.
Have you ever kissed someone whose name started with the letter J ? sure have.
Do you sleep with a fan on? nope we dont even have a fan.
When someone says "we need to talk," what runs through your mind? i always think im in shit with them.
Do you like somebody right now? yeah.
Does your father approve of you dating? he's got no idea about anything i get up to really.
Are you normally a happy person? yeah!
Have you ever dated someone longer than a year? nah.
Do you have the guts to tell the person you like how you feel? kinda... but then i covered it up.
Do you like taking walks in the middle of the night? only if it's to go see someone aha.
Are you waiting for something to happen, if so what? nothing in particular comes to mind.
Will you be in a relationship next month? it would be nice but no.
Has anyone put their arms around you in the past 5 days? yes.
What is the last thing you did before you went to bed last night? watched date my mum and texted.
Have you held hands with anyone this week? yes.
Were you single on your last birthday? mmhmmm!
Is it okay to kiss people when you're single? ive never kissed someone i was going out with lol.
Would you curse in front of your parents? yeah, it's bad though.
Who was the last person to go to the movies with you? i cant remember, i hardly ever go to the movies.
Have you ever kissed someone with braces? nope.
Would you go out with someone right now if they asked? if it was the right person then yes.
Do you think you can last in a relationship for six months? yes.
Does the person you last kissed still like you? as a mate.
What jewelry do you always wear? signit ring and earings.
You're locked in a room with your last ex, how is it? we're mates haha so we'd hang out like usual.
How many pills do you take a day? one.
What would you do if you found out the person you liked had a girlfriend? kinda but nothing i can do.
Would you rather be asked out in person or in text? person cos id think it was a joke over text.

On guys...
Favorite Hair Color? lol any really. LOLOLOLOLOL.
Do Like Long Or Short Hair? short but nice and thick to run your fingers through haha.
Eye Color? any.
Body Type? chubbyish, or like solid.
Taller Or Shorter Than You? taller.
Older or Younger Than You? not to old not to young.
Do You Like Your Guys To Wear Pink? i dont mind, it's their sexuality. LOL.
How Do You Feel About Tight Pants? lol depends, not skinny jeans.
Should Music Be Important To Him? he should like it but yeah doesnt matter that much.
Lighter Skin Or Darker Skin? racist! lol jokes err doesnt matter too much.
Do You Like Pretty Boys Or Average Guys? average, the ones that most people think are ugly haha.
Hot Or Cute? bit of both thanks!
What If He Has A Super Stupid Name? i dont go for guys because of their name lol.
Rich Or Average? this doesnt matter in the slightest.
Lots Of Friends That Are Girls Or Guys? guys.

This Or That
Long Curly Hair Or Straight Long Hair? depends on the occasion.
Rap Or Rock Music Scene? bit of both thanks.
Relationship Or Just Hooking Up With Him? lol i want one but i got the other.
Movies Or A Dance? movies.
Horror Or Romantic Movie To Watch With Him? horror so he can gold me when im scared!

His Style
How Do You Feel About Goth Guys? nty.
Geeky Guys? nty, but they can be smart!
Emo Guys? nty.
Preppy Guys? nty.
Jocky Guys? if they weren't overly cocky.
Skaters? nah.
Gangster Guys? lol naaah.
What About Bi Guys? never ever ever.
Mop Top Or Corn Rows? mop.
Glasses Or Not? doesn't make a difference.
Polos Or Band Shirts? dont mind.

Onto the next bit of questions...
Where's your boyfriend? im single to mingle baby haha.
Name something you did yesterday: cracked up at campbell calling ms picard mum LMAO.
What color are your eyes? hazel green.
What color is your hair? dark brown.
What was the last thing you cried over? when dad hit me.
What's something you really want right now, be honest? to hang out with him.
Does anything hurt on your body? my arm a little.
Is there someone on your mind that shouldn't be? nah, he's allowed to be there.
Do you have a little sister? nope.
Do you like to listen to the radio when you are in the car? i did but now our radio is set to this safe bullshit!
What are you listening to? friends forever - vitamin c.
Do you miss someone? kinda not really.
Do you sleep with a fan on? this was asked before.
How is your hair right now? it's fine thank you.
Will you be up before 7 am tomorrow? no.
Do you wish you were somewhere else right now? yeah kinda.
What did you do today? went to school.
Did you speak to your mother today? not yet.
Three days from now, will you be in a relationship? nah.
Will tomorrow be better than today? idk if it was that'd be cool cos today was a good day anyway!
Do you want to see somebody right now? mmmhmm.
Have you ever slept on the floor with someone you liked? lay on the floor not slept haha.
When is the next time you'll kiss someone? hmm maybe soon.
What would your name be with the first three letters? jes.
Do you think you'll be married in 10 years? well id be 27 so yeah hopefully!
Did you have a good day? for sure.
If you could move right now would you? i can move but i dont wanna.
Are you happy with the way things are going right now? yes.
Do you like being in pictures? only all the time.
Where will you be in an hour? sitting here most probably lol.
Have you ever done anything outrageously dumb? sure have haha.
Are you someone who worries too often? yes.

i want to believe he's good, but you always say he isnt.
you dont know him so stop it.

:)

you told me it was okay to cry,
you made me feel wanted for once in my life,
you helped me to see,
you helped me to finally break free,
you fixed me.
and now it's my turn to help you.

please

i

just

want

one

more

moment...

to

hold

you,

to

tell

you

you

mean

everything

to

me.

only the best tv programme ever

eggs

lol

and then when i seem to talk to her she agrees with me?
shame.

i don't know if i've ever been held for that long in my whole life.

thank you.

true

i've miss shit with us, pity this had to be the way we'd be friends again but it can't be helped. i actually don't want you to hurt, cos i been where you are right now, infact it was because of you i was there but i know that's the past now. i'm ready to just be algood. no more shit you know? i know you would never admit it to me that you are actually completely torn up right now, but you don't need to admit it cos it's okay. a friend said to me last night, you know it's okay to cry and he said it makes things better, he is so right. so if you ever need someone to let it all out to, i know i wont be your first choice but i will always be there. i hope you felt better after last night.

MEAN night!

lauren have more drinks please ;D

wow shit can change fast.

wtf!

meh

i hope this hurt you,
i hope this left you speechless,
i hope this left you praying, begging it wasn't the truth.
i hope this left you down on your knees,
i hope you're going through everything you caused me,
welcome to heartbreak, it sucks.

friday night well spent

lying on the floor, wasted
singing the climb by miley cyrus
with your friends being back up vocals
great times hahaha.

it still hurts.

why?

and im back to the stupid same old 11:11 wish, why do i let it get to this?

we're fucked up.

You should've said no, you should've gone home
You should've thought twice before you let it all go...

oh man

:'(

you make me feel like this shitest person alive.
that was the most horrible thing anyone has ever done to me.
i quit.

surveys are fun.

Do you love your ex?:no.
What did you last cry over?:lol i was cutting onions in foods :L
What's the last mistake you made?:hmm, id have to think about that.
Who was the last person you said I love you to?:lmao simon! in the hall way when i walked past him.
Who last slept in your bed?:me.
Where do you want to be?:im okay just here for now. but later on...
Who do you want to be with?:im algood with michael right now haha.
Do you honestly love your friends?:more than anything.
Who can always make you happy?:any mates pretty much, they all hillarious.
Who do you love to talk to the most?:my mates!
Who hates you?:lol is it necessary to name names, everyone already knows.
Who do you hate?:hmm, i dislike afew people alot, but i dont hate anyone.
What are you doing right now?:listening to music, texting and this.
What are you talents?:i dont know! lol id have to think about it.
How often do you cry?:hardly ever anymore.
What were you doing last night?:at the open eveing.
Would you ever go back out with an ex?:nah.
Are you a virgin?:yeah.
Is your boyfriend/girlfriend a virgin?:i dont have a boyfriend.
What's the last movie you watched?:united 93.
Ever been in true love?:maybe, i dont know. probably not.
Ever smoked?:yeah.
Done drugs?:yeah.
Gotten high?:yeah.
Ever gone running?:yeah.
Gone skinny dipping?:kinda lol.
Gone streaking?:no.
Played strip poker?:no.
Given a lap dance?:LOL.
Made-out?:yeah.
Sang Kareokee?:yes.
Seen the opposite sex naked?:yeah.
Made fun of a fat person?:probably.
Laughed at somone?:yes.
Looked at someone funny?:yep.
Have you had "the talk" with your parents?:uhh kinda not really.
Been touched by the same sex?:not like sexually touched? haha.
Own any thongs?:nah.
Touched a genital of the other sex?:yes.
Most missed Memory?:december 2008
Do you like anyone?yeah.
Do they know it?no.
IN THE LAST MONTH HAVE YOU:Had someone buy you something?umm probably.
Gotten sick?no.
Been hugged?yeah.
Felt stupid?sure probably.
Talked to an ex?umm yeah kinda.
Missed someone?yeah.
Failed a test?probably lol.
Ate cereal?no.
Danced crazy?it's highly likely.
Got a haircut?LOL i diy'd it and fucked it.
Lied?yeah.
HAVE YOU EVER:Waited all night for a phone call that never came?nah.
Snuck out?haha yeah.
Sat and looked at the stars?yes.
Do you swear?yeah.
Do you ever spit?only if i really have to.
You cook your own food?lol sometimes.
You do your own chores?nah.
You like beef jerky?no.
You like pepsi or coke?coke.
You're happy with your hair?lol no.
You own a dog?no.
You spend your money wisely?not at all.
Do you like to swim?yes.
Call a friend when you get bored?text probably.
DO YOU PREFER;Flowers or Angels?:flowers.
Gray or Black?gray.
Color or black and white photos?depends on the picture.
Lust or Love?err bit of both.
Sunrise or Sunset?sunset.
M&Ms or Skittles?either or.

:)

Everything you say
Every time we kiss I can't think straight
But I'm okay..

your not my mum, so stop trying to mother me.

and i think im just not going to tell you. :)

say the word and ill stop.
but ill only stop for you...

idk really

as i screamed for him to put me down, all i really wanted was for him to never let go. i could have stayed there forever, my arms wrapped around his neck, and legs around his waist. he sits me up on a seat and looks into my eyes, nothing could be more perfect than that exact moment, he lets me down gently and proceeds to lie down with me. our hearts beat in perfect time, it was so silent yet it was the most comforting silence ever, not at all awkward. sharing body heat, we lay there. and right at that moment, there was no one else in the world except us.

ribena

well, yeah.

truth is i don't think i'm honestly 100% over you. i don't know if i ever will be. you saw me at my worst, you made me my worst. you had me wrapped around your little finger and you were fully aware of it. you constantly walked all over me. telling me that you wanted to be friends with me, telling me you wanted to spend time with me, after another $100 ofcourse though. when things were going well couldn't you see how happy you made me? you made me my happiest, and then brought me right back down to my saddest. now days you aren't even speaking to me, and if you do it's an insult through your sister, or grunting hello because our parents are around. so yep i laughed at you today in your stupid school uniform, but to be honest, i was only laughing because if i wasn't laughing i would have been crying. i have a whole year of memories with you, that now mean nothing. you've even gone to the extreme of telling me you've forgotten me completely, and theres nothing i can do, i just have to take it. but when i catch your eye in the corridor, at the tennis club or just around the place, i know in my heart i still have a soft spot for you because i can feel it.

playing jenga drinking game.
getting completely pissed before the party.
lydia throwing up on arrival.
LOL!

me and rosa haha.

standing outside mcdonalds,
4am in the morning,
hugging cos we are freezing our asses off,
and still pretty drunk.
LOL.

haha mean.

BYC, FERGUSON DRIVE, 1AM, JESS LISA COLE AND MICHAEL.
best times oi!

great times.

standing outside my house, we were all pretty pissed as it was. laughing, talking loudly, just genrally being dicks. i decide to go get my bottle of vodka, which has got more than half a litre in it. the three of us then proceed to sit on my font lawn, passing the bottle round taking sips until there is no more. can't say i remember much after that but oh my gosh we were legendary. haha ;)

No more words, no more lies, no more crying, no more pain, no more hurt, no more trying.

6

123456

onetwothreefourfiveSIX

it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault. it's all my fault.
ofcourse it is.

i dont know wether to sympathize for you,
or tell you to build a bridge...

im falling for you.
but you cant stand me :(

this sucks so much,
why did you do this to me?
you tell me i can trust you :(
and i really didnt want people to know this.

fuck it

i want an explantion. im sick of being ignored, laughed at, looked at like im a monster. people think im just selfish, and this kinda is, but it just bugs me that i cant find anything i did that was bad enough to deserve this. YOU GUYS WOULDNT EVEN WALK WITH YOUR FRIENDS BECAUSE OF ME. you know what fuck this. i did nothing, i tried so hard to be so good to yous, i changed my whole life to try and work things out with you guys, but now look at things.

especially you, you are embarassed of me! WTF, you are the most pathetic peice of crap i ever met, you wont even talk to people if im there. i hate you for how you treat me, tell me what i did to you? you used me, thats about all i can think that fucked things up. you fucken loser, and now you're ruining your friendship with someone else for no reason. you have changed so much. AHHH!

i feel like shit. because of yous. everyday is shit cos im not even allowed to talk to yous. FUCK IT.

aimed at so many people.

you're one of the nicest people i've ever met,
except you're just never nice to me.

i want you.

this is insane. i miss you so much, you were there for me when i needed you and now your not and i dont know what to do. i hardly even got to spend that much time with you yet i still seem to notice you're not there or dont text me. *sigh* what the hell is wrong with me... i dont like him... do i?!

LOL.
we used to have

good times!
he's got a crusaders

towl round his shoulders,
and i've got my

hurricanes sign.

I MISS THIS!

FACT: If you didn't care you wouldn't be thinking about it.

ladies ;)

why do people find it so easy to forget me?

as i read your words they swirl round in my head, making my heart feel cold.
is this true? do you know me better than i know myself?
if so i dont deserve anyone or anything,
im a monster.

I hate this blog.

oh man

i just keep replaying in my head.
i dont know what im going to do.
cos i can just see how it's going to unfold.

missing you

i like this photo, pity there might never be another of us . god i miss him. so much, :\

:\

I text you, you text back. But then once you found a way out you said you 'had' to go. God I want you, I miss you. That short time, I actually felt like maybe you cared.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1Uq3nI11w4g
i swear i cant stop crying, when the dads like
'whats it like'
and the littles boys like
'theres no more goodbyes'

:( sad.

realised.

and i love you.

whether it's wrong or right.

i miss you, so so so much.

:/

i hate this feeling, knowing that you wouldn't care if i died, infact you would care, you'd be happy.

It's you. You mean everything to me.
You are the first thought in my head in the morning
when I wake up. My last thought before I go to bed.
You smile at me in my dreams.
When you are sad, I feel sad and when I see your
true smile, I feel incredible; like there is no other
thing around and all i can see is you.
You are my somewheres over the rainbow.

that first kiss...
the whole 'OMG IM ACTAULLY KISSING HIM' feeling running through your whole body. nothing could be more amazing, being so intertwined with one single person, all you can see is each other. and for that moment, nothing is wrong in the world...

you make everything worthwhile. hearing your voice makes the world sound peaceful. seeing your smile makes everything look sunny. being in your presence makes everything feel right. sometimes it's best to forget someone, but if they weren't important, we would have already forgot them. sometimes it's worth the pain and the fight. it's like sitting through a storm, being so miserable, then suddenly the rain stops and you see a rainbow and then rays of sun start to come through the dark stormy clouds. sometimes there is a happy ending. sometimes giving up isn't the right option.

the best things in life, they never come without a fight.

sigh

'they just talk about how annoying and ugly you are'
'and how your so clingy'

sometimes forgetting is what you want to do, yet when i seem to want to do it, the people always force their way back into my life, making it hell. yet when i want someone to stay, they want to leave as fast as possible. nobody wins.

since we met

"but then all of a sudden my phone goes off 'where are you xD'. he thinks by using a smiley face that everything is ok, when really it wasnt, it hasnt been since the moment we met..."

I wonder.

Do you find it easy? Was it easy to just forget me? Do you ever think of me? Do you ever miss me? Do you wish things were different? Are you able to walk past me and just feel nothing at all? I just wish i knew what you really thought. If your friends didn't give you so much shit, if I didn't be such a weirdo, if you hadn't have left,

would everything be different?

Wow.

My names Jessica but everyone calls me Jess. I’m 17. I’ve lost all interest in school. I have the wrong priorities in life. I fall for guys too easily and tend to creep them out. I’m a virgin and I’m pretty embarrassed about it. I care about ‘those boys’ far too much. I live with my dad but I miss my mum loads. I’m extremely close with my brother and we have been since we were babies. People tell me I’m insanely nice and I can sometimes be a pushover. Even so I get angry at some people pretty easily, and when you put me in a corner i will fight back. Also I’m very apologetic, people find it hard to forgive me because I always find myself saying sorry, so it kinda loses it’s meaning. I blame that on my childhood. I lived in a house where my parents were both physically and verbally abusive towards each other. My dads family argue quite a lot and my mums family have communication problems. I’m overweight a little and I can’t go out in public without foundation on as I’m so self-conscious about my skin. I’m quite was too much time on the computer, doing worthless things like Bebo. I always catch the bus because i don’t have a car or my licence (but I will get it really soon). I work as a waitress in a Turkish restaurant earning minimum wage which I usually fritter away. If i care about someone I often can remember there cell phone number and that came come across a little but weird. I feel like I’m getting to know someone when i know their middle name and birthday. I play hockey and our team are like sisters. I also play tennis and everyone at our club is like a big family. I lock text messages to remind me of horrible things people say to me. I have been crushing on my current crush for almost 10 months now, yet we’ve never had a stable relationship, only a drunken hook up. I have a crazy obsession with photos, I take my camera almost everywhere because I figure it’s important to capture the memories we have as they are going to be some of the best times of our lives. I’m always tired and I hardly ever get headaches. I love my home town, it’s where I’d love to raise my kids when I grow up. I don’t like wearing socks to bed unless it’s really cold and I always wear my signit ring I got from my mum for my 16th birthday. I like to drink, a lot of people are against it but I just love going out to a party with my mates. When I say I love someone, I do mean it, and I love a lot of people in heaps of different ways. I like hugs and kisses are just amazing when you are so intertwined with someone. I laugh at almost anything, I think a sense of humour is vital in today’s society, because there’s nothing better than a good giggle. I love music so much and people often are amazed at how I know all the words to such a vast, wide range of songs. I believe in ghosts and I think the ghost house up Mangoroa Hill is one of the coolest places on earthe. I don’t like to read books yet I love buying cosmo and dolly and reading all the sex stuff. I think Barack Obama will be a good president, and I also think Ribena Sprite and Vodka would make the best drink ever. My favourite classes at school are food and P.E and funny that those two teachers are the ones that like me. I don’t have any idea what I want to do when i finish school. I love Memphis meltdown rapberry chocolate ice cream, but it is only ever eaten at my aunties, like tradition. I have a favourite cup I always drink out of and I also have a favourite pen from smiggle. I have a pretty boring life, but all in all I like it. :)

So...

I wish I could find the words that I want to say about you.
I'm so mad at you.
Yet if you needed me, I just know I would come running.
It's like you have this power over me.
Complete control.
And that's not good.

Anyway today ended up being a good day. I didn't go to school, and I watched Wild Child on ppv. It was good! Also I saw you're name come up on my msn what's new. Yes! You unblocked me. This time I won't screw up, I promise. I had mac and cheese for lunch too that was also a high point to the day. And also I kinda felt a bit sick even though I wasn't, so I don't feel as guilty. Oh well school tomorrow. Now I'm scared.

oh man.

i am a shit shit friend,
i never know what to say :/
and god i feel bad.

It was the right thing to do...

I'm scared to go to school.
I had to lie through my teeth to both of my parents today saying i was 'sick.'

Truth is none of this should have happened. I would have loved to have you guys over, but when my brother threatens to leave I can't just turn on him. Maybe if Michael wasn't aware of all the horrible things you had done to me, he wouldn't have minded you being there. If only he didn't know that you were completely using me because you couldn't find anywhere else to drink. You have had me blocked on msn for ages, you ignore me at school, you bitch about me behind my back all the time, you threaten me, you are afraid of me. Basically you treat me like shit, and quite frankly you don't deserve anything from me and I kicked you out because my brother is aware of that, and he doesn't want to see me hurt.

So to you three I'm really sorry, you guys were welcome to stay.
To you two fuck you's. I dislike you both with a passion.
And Michael, thank you.

it's funny how day by day nothing changes,
but when you look back everything is different.

I'm okay.

Do you know how seriously fucked up this is? It's so fucked up that I can't even find the words. You've got me completely speechless, I can't even see right from wrong anymore.

You tore me down, yet you are one of the things that keeps me up. Everyone knows what I need to do, hell even I know what i need to do. I just need to forget you and move on. But something draws me to you, and I just don't know what to do, it's got to the stage where i am completely lost.

Whenever I see you it's like I can't breath and no one else is around but us. I loose my train of thought whenever you walk by, and I often find myself saying to my friends, ohhh what was i saying.

I know this is so crazy, but I like to like you, even though i know you don't like me. For now I'm fine, and despite what I need to do, I think I'll just stick around for a little while longer...